Word Vomit

I am really new to this, to be honest I just typed in google that I wanted to write my thoughts and it lead me here so here I am trying to speak or more precisely write things that have been troubling my mind for quite some time. I am the kind of person that overthinks every particular thing, to the point where it’s mentally unhealthy and I don’t really know how to stop it. I am not going to lie and say it’s a very bad habit, I really want to get rid of it, no – It has saved me quite a few times. But It has made me have regrets and this is one of them.

5 years ago, I met someone. Now, I must tell you that I was a very studious girl, super nerdy and I wasn’t really out there searching for love or stuff like that. I have grown up in a family where love is a myth so to be honest I believed in love, I still do but I do not think I will be lucky enough to find it or have it for my entire life which is something I have accepted. Due to my family ruining my self esteem, my outlook on love aspect is very negative one. This person, I am sure you would expect me to say he was different and when he came everything changed and life became beautiful, No nothing like that happened. There was no instant connection, nothing like that but we used to talk almost regularly. I think somewhat 6 months later he confessed that he had feelings for me. I didn’t say anything first, asked for sometime. Now, you see that guy is my bestfriend’s brother. At that time, I didn’t exactly have any feelings for him. I don’t open up to people easily and have lots of trust issues so It was very soon for me. 6 months are a long time but I am very slow in getting used to expressing myself to people. First thing I did after he said that was to call my bestfriend. I told her everything. I imagined it to be a conversation where she would be angry about me hiding these things from her but what happened was entirely different. She laughed and said that he didn’t it as he said those words to many girls without really meaning it. That’s who he is. I never doubted her since she knew him better than I do and I felf relieved too that I will not end up hurting anyone.

After that incident, we both didn’t talk to each other for few months. I thought that was good for me too because I definitely didn’t want to fall for a person for whom those three words don’t mean that much. But my past has a habit of catching up to me when I finally think that I have left it behind. I have been dealing with severe anxiety from 12 year old and it’s immensely hard for me to manage my anxiety but it was worse at that time. I can be hard to deal with in such situations so I tend to be alone when I get close to having anxiety attacks. That day was an important day when it happened, my results were going to come out. I was anxious as hell. I couldn’t sleep at all. But he was there with me, when my friends couldn’t relax me, when my family.. well they didn’t care at all about my anxiety. They are more concerned with making fun of my anxiety rather than helping me through it. But he was there. Do you know the feeling of being vulnerable and strong at the same time? Because I felt it that day. I felt how he genuinely cared for me. In spite of having classes he was there with me for 24 hours till I was clam enough to go to sleep. Then, right then, while slowly creeping into vast darkness of sleep I realized that I am in deep deep trouble.

Fast forward couple of months, we are still talking, sometimes flirting, he was going to a different country. Again I lost all the hope that there could be anything between us. There were just too many problems you know, first the distance second his sister who had already told us that we could not be in a relationship and third I was very sure at that time that he cares for me because he just thay nice and nothing else. With the amout of self esteem I had, It was or it still is very hard for me to accept that any person will possibly love me. So I never tried anything with him. When he used to say things that got remotely close to the topic of feelings, I would steer the conversation away from that particular topic and sometimes even make fun of it which is something I deeply regret now. He moved to a different country after few months.

Our story has moved forward two years now and we stopped talking when he moved. His sister would tell me how he regularly goes to dates now and my heart broke everytime she used to say this. But he never had a relationship. We began talking after few months again. We were in different time zones now so talking to him was next to impossible for me but somehow he was always there when I needed him. I would ask for reasons behind him being awake at 4 am in the morning but he would always give some excuses which I didn’t know were excuses at that time. A year passed like that and then I was like hell this is some serious shit that I have trapped myself into. I fell for him hard and one day he told me that I am like a sister to him. (Yeah just imagine the heartbreak and pain – unreal) I stopped talking and this time seriously stopped talking.

I completely stopped talking to him. Things were bad before in my family but after that it was downright hell. Everything came tumbling down. I went into depression. And let me tell you, depression plus anxiety is a bitch. It makes your life a living nightmare. And I used to have actual nightmares too so eventually Insomnia became my friend too. I didn’t tell anything to anyone. No actually I tried to explain but at the end what I got was an explanation of how weak am I. So I decided to endure it on my own. I contemplated suicide but stopped the thoughts before it got serious. This went on for 8 months and then I decided to get help. It wasn’t professional help but it was my outlet where I met another person who was dealing with same kind of problems. We used to talk about our problems and one day I just said that I like him. I didn’t. That was not the truth and gosh it was such a terrible decision. He was sweet and I knew he liked me so I thought if I am with him that will eventually make me forget my bestfriend’s brother. We started our relationship and on the other hand HE started his relationship with his ex girlfriend just a day after hearing about mine.

My relationship lasted for about two months. My ex confessed that he loved me and I just couldn’t bring myself to lie to him about love. I explained everything to him. I broke his heart. I still didn’t ask about HIM at all. I focused my energy into fighting my depression, my anxiety. I focused on healing myself. I can proudly say that I have been able to stand up for myself in front of my family more and more. They don’t put me down now. I don’t let them. I am still going through high functioning depression and social anxiety disorder but I am fighting. But as mentioned by me before, my past has a weird way of coming back up and knocking me down. Well, no this time I actually gave it a chance to knock me down. And it did.

About two weeks ago, I decided that I should tell my bestfriend that I fell for her brother. Imagine my shock when she told me that he too had real, genuine feelings for me. Imagine my shock when she told me that he always used to wake up early just to talk to me. He who absolutely hates waking up early, he used to wake up at freaking 4 am to talk to me. Imagine my shock when she told me that he was so close to depression when he heard about my relationship. Imagine my shock when I finally thought that I wouldn’t feel anything for him, I felt an explosion of pain and happiness in my stomach. Imagine my shock when I, who was going througj depression and couldn’t feel a thing, actually felt this time when it came to HIM. And the feeling was so intense that it literally took my breath away. Imagine my shock when my bestfriend told me that she asked for him to say that he thinks of me as his sister. She told me that he is single now, that the relationship was only a rebound for him and he is better now. That I shouldn’t interfere with his life at this point of time. I agreed. I must pay the consequences of my mistakes. It’s just unbelievable how my body reacts to his name. Anything that is related to him. It causes a reaction and my own reactions shock me. And I am not a teenager now so I can’t even blame it on hormones. But as usual I will get up. I will move on. I lost him and I will have to accept that bitter truth. I wish I had a chance to be honest with him. I wish so many things… I wish my wishes come true one day. It’s just not today and I will have to accept that. (If by chance anyone actually read it then I am sorry for my grammatical errors, I didn’t want to re-read it and edit it)

1 thought on “Word Vomit”

  1. Love will find you when you aren’t looking for it. It is good that you are working on yourself. As far as your ” best friend ” telling her brother to tell you he loved you like a sister, when he actually loved you as a person was not right of your ” best friend “. I know all about ” best friends “. They want to help, but in the end they end up hurting. Decades ago, my girlfriend aborted our pregnantcy due to a lie my ” best friend ” told me. I believed him when I should have believed my girlfriend at the time. 2 lives were ruined and one life never got a chance at life because of a ” best friend “. Trust only goes so far with now when it comes to friends period. I’m too old to have kids now,,, a regret I’ll take to my grave.

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