What Might Have Been

You never know what you have until it’s gone.
I can’t go back,
I can’t go backwards.
Letting go of something that never was
is going to be hard.
Letting go of the past is hard
I’m lost in a sea of words
And I know that yet again
I have someone who would come save me
But I don’t need saving,
I need understanding.
But I am scared of being understood.
Still.
Even as a 26 year old.
I know he’d come,
But I . . . don’t want him as much anymore
I miss what I had with someone else
Something I don’t think I will find in another
Circumstances allowed us to talk
Real life doesn’t allow that.
They both said, “Don’t hold back,
Know what you want, and go for it.”
Well, I know what I want now
and it’s not a person.
I don’t think I will let another person in
Not anytime soon.
A place can’t break your heart like a person can
A place can challenge you,
Content you,
But it can’t hurt you in the same way.
“What do you want?”
“A piano and chickens.”
What I didn’t add was the land and people to love
Because I don’t know if I will be able to have those second two.
I know I can get a piano,
And I will always have chickens
But the love I sought?
I’m not sure if it exists anymore
I’m scared that it does,
I’m scared that it doesn’t.
I’m sorry.
For those who mean to love me,
I’m sorry.
I don’t think I can anymore.

Maybe life will change,
But maybe the land is all I will need in the end
As well as the crazy one and the cat-like one
If they would be okay with that.

I think that this is it.
And I will be happy here.
I will build the dream,
And I will live my life in my paradise.
I’ll encourage others to travel,
And live life vicariously through them
I’m not the person you all thought I was
I’m just another average person
Who had a dream
And hey, part of the dream will happen.
That’s not something everyone can say.
I will be grateful
And I will help the world.
It’s strange how some things
You see as such certainty
Turn into shades of gray
And some things just weren’t meant to be.

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