What am I doing?

So I realized after many tears last night. I’m tired and unhappy with my life. Hahaha…yeah I’ve known I’m unhappy with my life for a while…and that I am tired, too. I guess what I mean is…I don’t want to be in limbo any longer. If he doesn’t want to get help…fine. I don’t have to wait for him to. I can move forward and if he chooses to get help…well I can choose at that time whether I want to reconsider things. I didn’t want to move forward yet because I don’t believe I will want to reconsider a life with him if I do. I feel like once I start to rebuild…I will not want to allow the tornado that he is near me.

I told him to return his phone. I know he is talking to other women…I feel it. It is making me ill thinking that I am paying for the phone and the service which allows him to do that. It kills me that he is watching violent porn and potentially sending women pictures of himself on the phone I pay for. Or receiving them for that matter. I forgave him before…he knows how bad he hurt me. How could he knowingly do it again? Mental illness or not…I feel like he knows right from wrong. He knows married men shouldn’t participate in relationships with woman that are not their wife.

He told me ok…and responded with his usual “I want…” He asked me how to get the phone back to me. I don’t want to see him so I told him to take it to his sisters. He also wants a table I painted for him. It makes me so sad. I don’t want him to have anything I poured my heart into. I really feel so angry…and hate is looking for a place to live within me. I can’t let it in.

Yet with every dreaded smart ass text he sends…I feel hate setting up house.

I feel empty and just like I have nothing left to give. No energy for anything. No energy to care or anything. I just want him to get help or leave my life for good.

 

 

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