Good morning world.
It’s gonna be another good day. I can feel it. Stable and sane are the name of the game. I think the additional risperidal are really paying off. I double checked my script and realized they were 1mg tablets. I don’t know how that happened. I am supposed to be taking 2mg. I was taking them 3 times a day but the shrink upped it to 4 a day which should be 8mg/day total. I was taking half that. No wonder I was so unstable. Risperidal is my miracle drug. It doesn’t need to build up a blood level to work so it’s effects are felt within a couple of days.
Today is our anniversary. When we got married 41 years I really thought it was forever. It should have been forever. It would have been if I was only more stable. Now we are separated and she lives her own life. Me? I just kind of drift. Always hoping and praying that it will all work out but my prayers are never answered. But we ARE good friends. Thank God for that. I still have her in my life, for now. The other day she was talking about when she decides to remarry. That will mean a divorce for us and THAT will surely kill me. Every time I think of it the sobs start and it hasn’t even come to pass yet. I don’t know how to go on without her. I never did. I am relegated to a mere friend of my wife of 41 years, 43 if you count the dating years. How I have fallen.
I got her one red rose and a card. She accepted both graciously. We are going out for lunch. All despite her hatred of our anniversary. There are simply too many bad memories around it. Too many for me too. I cry every time I think of the hell I put her through. We made it through the hell years, together, but we couldn’t survive my disability. The peaceful years that are supposed to be filled with love. We still have love now I guess. I know I lover her with everything I am. More now than ever before. Yet she merely considers me a friend. That too brings tears.
So I am full of tears this morning. It is a rough day for me. Despite being stable I have tears coursing down my cheeks. I am so sorry Allie. Sorry I failed you. Know that I’ve always loved you and always will.