The person that I want to be.

My mom is an amazing human being. Over the years I have not been the best daughter. From anxiety to depression, and from anger to pain, my mom has always been there for me no matter what. All of the times I’ve lashed out because of my depression haunt me every day. My mom deserves the world, and I feel so worthless for not being able to give her that. That is why I want to change. I wish there was an easy and simple cure for what I believe to be depression and anxiety, maybe something worse. I wish I could be the daughter she deserves. I want to become something great, so one day she can see all of her hard work and all of her forgiveness and unconditional love was worth something, something huge that can transform be into a better person. God willing, I will one day be able to make my mom proud, and my brother too…. they are all that I have left. There’s something in my heart that wont allow me to find my way back to my real self. I am lost. I really want to find my way back home now, back to peace, back to happiness. I have thought about seeing someone that can help me with my anger issues and my depression and anxiety.. but I am afraid that I wont be taken seriously. I am so afraid of rejection and being laughed at. I think it’s for the best I find help. I think my mom deserves to finally unravel the best parts of me so that her life can be easier. I can only pray that she forgives me for not being the daughter she deserves. I can only pray that she understands one day why I did everything that I did, while being so blinded and controlled by pain and rage. I love my mom, she really is my world. This unhappiness and this mask I wear can be so overwhelming. I need to be happy, I want to be happy so badly. The saddest thing is that as I type this I am in class. I should be studying, looking for ways to pass my exams but all I can do is dwell on the past. I can’t seem to shake this feeling off. The anxiety and the depression is so overwhelming and suffocating I feel like I can die right this moment. The fact that I feel the need to escape and write while being in class only shows just how lost I am and just how much help I really need. I try to be the strong one that doesn’t seek for any help but this time I don’t know if I can keep putting a fake smile on my face. This time I don’t know if I will breathe or suffocate. This time I really don’t know if I will find my way to come back after all that has happened to me. I feel as if I fell in this trap and I knew that it was a trap. I should have known better. I should have protected my happiness and I should have never trusted in anyone the way that I did. I was a fool for believing in so many people. I was a fool for having the bigger heart and the best intentions. I am a fool for not being able to move forward.

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