Spinning – Another Ramble

It’s not been such a good day. Not all bad but not all good. I was wound up this morning and I’m still wound fairly tight. My stomach is a mess. No I did not eat anything this morning or take my pills but I have since done both. Neither is helping. My hands are still shaking and my thoughts are awhirl. My feet are tapping and I can’t sit still. Tears keep coming for no discernible reason. I would say I am a mess today. Seems like it’s a mixed state. I thought I was heading depressed and the tears prove it. Plus the nature of my thoughts. (Can you say suicidal ideations?). But the tapping and shaking and whirling thoughts seem to point towards mania. Hence I think it’s a mixed state. Mixed states are very dangerous because on the depressive side you go suicidal and on the manic side you become spontaneous enough to do something about it. I am very unstable. He types as his fingers fly over the keyboard at 100 miles/hr. Damn. I need some help. Need someone to help stabilize me. Not sure if anyone can but if someone could it would be my once upon a time wife. She’s down the campground where I am not allowed because her boyfriend is there too. Dunno where my daughter is. I dropped her off at my other daughter’s to pick up my wife’s truck. She said she would be home to finish painting the basement but so far she is a no show. I am so unstable. Could use a beer or three but I gave that up years ago. Maybe a double shot. I should probably head over my parents’ but there is nothing to do there either. Maybe my mom could help. We had no luck with the Chevelle this morning. Still won’t start no matter what we do so I guess it’s time to tow it to the shop on Monday. Wonder what they’ll charge me to diagnose and fix this problem. I had a $200 estimate for changing the ignition and key switches but my son and I have already done that with no success. It’s not the starter. That turns when you jump the solenoid. It’s also not a fuse. We checked. Tony thinks it’s some kind of short. Dunno. I’ll have to let the shop determine what is wrong and fix it. Working on the car was bloody hell in this heat. Both my boy and I were feeling sick by the time we quit. For me it did not help being in this damn mixed state. My nerves are shot. I am shot. Bloody car will never run again. Yes it will, the shop will fix it. Damn it all to hell. The voice keeps telling me to end it all now. I wish it would shut the hell up. It echoes in my ears. I am a loser. No bloody wonder she left me. I wouldn’t want to deal with this shit either if I did not have too. That’s the thing. I am trapped inside my own head. I hate that head. I hate me. I wish I could die. See where it goes when I let my thoughts run wild? As if I could stop them. There is no “let” about it. They go whither they will. I could beat my own face to a bloody mess. Burn my arm. Slice my ankles. Anything to shut that damn voice the hell up.

2 thoughts on “Spinning – Another Ramble”

    1. Sorry. Just unstable today and needed to type it out. Needed to get it out. The voice says what it will. I have no control over it. I will be fine. Just need to hold on to a world that is spinning out of control.

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