Sherlock

I dreamed about you yesterday. Your mom and brother were there. We were at your place, but it wasn’t where you are now. It was actually the same place that I see you in each time I have dreamed about you. Big white house with black shutters with a porch and in the midwest, I don’t know how else to describe it.

It feels weird to be talking to you. I haven’t talked to you in such a long time, not even in my head, which I used to do a lot.

I re-read some things tonight that I had written about you, me, and all that had happened so many years ago. It feels like so long ago. So much has happened since then, and so much has happened since we stopped talking.

What I was always so scared of has happened. I’m back at home and without any current plan of leaving. Mom needs a hip surgery and Dad needs a hernia operation, and both need them really soon. Mom can’t chase sheep anymore and Dad is trying to take care of the things at home and the farm and the customers too. I know Mom doesn’t see it, she’s still unhappy that he leaves.

I don’t really miss you. Something happened this fall though, and I tried talking about it with other people and they just don’t get why I was so very bothered by it. I think what we had, we understood each other so well. I think you would have understood why. You always knew why.

I wish I hadn’t blown it all up in the way I did. You didn’t deserve that. You deserved a better ending than I was able to give you. You were able to give me a good ending, but I wasn’t able to do the same for you. At the last, I still hadn’t healed from the traits that you always disliked in me. I know we won’t talk for years. I know if we ever talk again, it will be by chance and it will be once both of us are different. But right now, I don’t miss you unless something bad happens, or something really good. We used to share everything. I have not had that in a long time. I wonder sometimes if it is possible for me to find that in another person. I don’t know.

Someone talked about marriage this winter and I wasn’t scared. It gives me hope that in the future, I will be excited instead of terrified when I get to that point with someone. (No, I’m not engaged again)

I still have hope. Don’t worry, I still want to try. I still have so many things I want to do. I know the traps I could fall into.

I wanted to forget you. I wanted to forget that at the end, I was the one who destroyed it all. I wanted to forget that I hurt your mom and your brother, I wish I hadn’t done that.

But I can’t. You gave me hope. I can’t forget that.

I don’t want to talk to you. I’m not ready for that. It would just go the same way. But I can’t forget you. You were a part of my life that I don’t want to forget. You were my everything and I didn’t even realize. I didn’t realize what I had. Someone I could call. Someone I could text about anything.

But at the end, I was hiding myself. I was too far gone.

I am sorry. I know you don’t want to hear it. I know it’s not time yet. I know. I’m not quite different enough from that person you called up that night and gave me the closure you knew I needed.

In a couple years, google the name of my mountain and see what I’ve done with it. I will wish I could have shown it to you in person, but maybe by then, we will have both forgotten each other. I’d be happy for you if you have moved on, but I don’t want to forget you.

But sometimes it feels like a dream. I wonder if someday, it’ll be your voice I will try to track down to listen to, to prove you existed.

I don’t know who you are now. I won’t know what happens in your life. Part of me is sad about that when I think about it. But I don’t usually think about it.

Just know that I have not blocked you on anything. If you are ever in trouble, you can call me. And I hope I would be able to call you.

Good journey. May we meet again. (someday)


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