Reinventing

Just sitting here, crying.  Wondering how many times in this life do I need to reinvent myself, before I no longer am me?

How far must I travel? How much baggage? Why I can’t seem to find the good anymore, through the pain?

Idk

I’m so tired of life…of my life

Why would I ever think my life would count, when even the good doesn’t erase the sorrow I feel?

I know God supposedly doesn’t make mistakes, but I think he did.

With me.

10 thoughts on “Reinventing”

  1. Reinvention should never be the prime goal. Clearing the obstructions to personal harmony should be. Changing will happen as a convenient, inevitable result but it shouldn’t be the conscious goal besides the desire to acquire the improvements that come without being corrupted by chronic pain and trauma.

    How far must you travel? Depends where the method to cleanse one self successfully and fully lies. The amount of baggage? Irrelevant. Like piled files in an office setting, it matters only the best way to get through them in which one may finally clean the desk and be relieved of the burden.

    But the pains we go through chronically are not files. They are chains we drag constantly. Bullets we were shot with that we learned to live with despite how awkward and pained they make us walk.

    The thing that keeps me going is the desire to see what I am without the corruptions infecting me. I care not for the mistakes or the successes of creators, I care only to see what I, and the world for that matter, are capable of without being held down by these chains. Finding a way to unlock them then, is simply paramount.

    We will all die anyway at some point. We will have eternity to do nothing and be nothing if am afterlife isn’t real. Even if it is, we will have an eternity to do and be something than why we are here on a different plane. I think it makes sense to keep searching and fighting as long as the body holds out to find the answer and conquer this challenge most go through.

  2. Every bit of me is wanting to give comforting advice and hugs to you, because I have felt similar feelings. I have been practicing self-acceptance because I grew up with so much guilt just for being born. A friend told me ‘You are enough.’ It became one of many mantras in my life. Replacing the discouraging words with loving, more helpful words to myself. My SIL shared with me ‘We validate ourselves’ This, too, has helped remind me. I think our society provides a great deal of pressure to be something. (based on preconceived notions of ‘success’) It all gets quite complicated. I wish I could wave a wand and heal your hurts. You are enough, just the way you are. (((hugs)))

  3. You are beautiful. There is no doubt of that for me. Great beauty can be seen and felt in your words of passion. That you have forgotten for the moment, is a temporary lapse. You are deep feeling and empathetic – the negative of the world hurts you. You will find your strength in a minute or two.

  4. I relate to this and the hard part when commenting is not to sound hollow. I thought the cure for my battered self-was re-inventing. It’s been nearly 30 years since I filed for divorce; I believe I am finally at peace with myself. It took half my life to devour me, it has taken nearly that to put me back together. On occasion, I still feel that twinge of torment but overall I am who I was supposed to be.
    Hope this helps

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