A musing on depresso espresso

I’m gonna chock this up to being more advice that I’ll likely forget, but I wanted to post about it regardless.

Depression. Quite common or at least increasingly prevalent these days. Whether that’s down to self-diagnosis being rampant and inaccurate or it being a valid thing it doesn’t matter. I had a thought today about how to attempt to combat it if its at all with you. I’m not sure if I’m writing this to myself or not, but let me finish side-tracking.

This planned process really only applies if you feel you have certain triggers that begin a drop into a depressive state. So, if you’re like me, you’re in a constant state of depression. However, what this really ties to is the fact that some days are worse than others. Let me think of something that pangs me.

Women. Not them directly but I’ll get to that in a second. I’ll outline what I mean. Say I’m stooped up at my favorite bar. I take my seat out on the patio, and there she is. Someone lovely as all get out. I’m happy to see them at first. I think, hey, I’ve been single a while. Why not socialize? See if there’s any reciprocation in attraction.

{pang}

“Nah.. on second thought, I think I’ll just skip that today. ”

So. There we have it. I’ve detailed where this pang or trigger might start. This one thing starts a chain reaction of thoughts that begin a slow or fast descent a little further into the pit I call home. Since I guess at this point I’m probably speaking from experience as far as the trigger goes, I’ll detail the thought process.

“Shit, that was dumb. Why didn’t you try and say something?”

“Well, that’s just like you. Sit and wallow to yourself but never try and jump to a better thing.”

“Why don’t you just order a couple more beers?”

“Get a ride home. You’re staying up all night, but nah, no more alcohol for you. We need to let this fester”

“Okay, you’re home. Crank up your favorite sad tunes and think about missed opportunities”

What follows a string like that is just another progression of bad decisions that I/you fight to prevent from happening every day. Okay, so what could be improved now that I’m looking at this from a sanitary point of view? Well.. do the same thing but with a different set of questions asked as soon as you know what your pang came from. I’m going to make a statement right away that this isn’t easy if you’re on one of those sunless days, but its not supposed to be. Discipline¬†will be required.

Let’s take it from the top. I see girl. I want to talk to girl because hell its been a long time. {pang} Okay, now there we have it. I know what’s coming next. Ya know, I’ve felt this a lot. *bad response comes through*

Unedited blurb of self-coversation follows below. I’d like to think it mirrors how it feels up here. (points to head)

“Okay, let’s ignore the bad response for a sec, we hear them a lot. Why don’t I want to talk to her? Am I afraid of women? No, that’s not it. Is it me? Well it sure feels like me. What about me? Well, I’m ugly. Am I ugly? Hmm, I just don’t look like I did when I was able to quest for relationships with no issue. So you look, different. Yes. Could you elaborate? I’m fatter, I’ve got circles under my eyes from sleepless nights. So you’ve put on weight, but does that make you ugly? Not, necessarily. But that must be why girls don’t reciprocate. Nah, I think something else is going on. Well..old me used to be social and confident. I don’t have that. So…you don’t think you could just act like you are as confident as your old self? What good would that do? Well, think about it; if you go out there and shake it till you make it, does it really matter that you don’t feel your reasons for confidence exist? cont: At that point, wouldn’t you say you just proved that it doesn’t matter your state when it comes to this specific problem? Well, I guess. Yeah that’s logical. But, its not going to fix much. Oh come on, pieces-parts. You gotta think if there’s something that we’ve found about this trigger there’s definitely similar scenarios for your other ones. What if we find solutions like this to each. Well, what good is a bunch of band-aid fixes? I don’t know man..band-aids help with healing. And they’re a lot like tape. If you get enough of them keeping something together, its gonna be pretty hard to break it. Then, if it does, you know its not just a hole you’ve dug yourself. Okay…lets try it.”

So, apologies for making that mountain of brain garble. Wasn’t actually intended to be that long, but I found myself actually getting into the scenario with myself as I was writing it.

What was different here? A sanitary view point. If forced, as long as you can get your neutral questions and answered pen and papered, you can look back at them and attempt to integrate their meaning into your thought process. Logic is cold and and unmoving. It can be responsible for pain in and of itself. Is that not something that’d be good in a fight fire with fire scenario? Depression is scrambled and murky. Logic is defined and solid; heavy.

Now I don’t this applies to everybody. Hell, it may not even apply to anybody but myself. But..on the off chance it does, how about I let this text sit and air out here? If it impacts even just one person, that’s worth it.

Happy stances, ya’ll

The last greatest man

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