Journal – Oct 19, 2018

Depression is licking at my heels today. I think I was running comparatively hypomanic the past 2 days. Probably a mixed state because this fucking depression just won’t quit. Suddenly my life is gone. 40 years down the toilet.

She DID say we could date and see how it works out and I DO have her undivided attention once per week for an hour.. I feel that has been a waste. I have questions I dare not ask. I don’t have the balls. Plus I don’t think it’s any of my business. 2nd I fear the answer. She would say either yes or no. If no it may be the third time I’ve asked her in the past 3 months but I’ve watched her change. She is colder to me. She spends many nights out and doesn’t come home until the morning. She receives phone calls that, in the car, are identified and I have the number. It came repeatedly. She would let it ring until it stopped and the next thing you know she’s texting someone else. Tuesday night she stayed out all night and felt like she had to lie about going out with the girls. First I could hear the lie in her voice and I know the girls don’t hang out on a Tuesday night.

To be 100% truthful I think she has a boyfriend whom she’s been seeing a long time and lately a lot of. I believe she took HIM to NC the last few times which explains why she always goes when she knows I can’t go..I think she was with him when she went camping in a trailer “with the girls” every weekend she could. I think she was with him Saturday night after the wedding and she stayed all night. I think she was with him all night on Tuesday night when she lied and said she was staying out with the girls. The girls don’t go out on Tuesday nights because they have to drive the next morning.

But all that’s OK. It huts like hell and brings on the tears but what devastates me is I have some evidence to some of this and she lies to cover it up. The most important thing is does she love him? If it is true then the statement she said “She DID say we could date and see how it works out” was a lie and there was never any hope for us. THAT’s what devastates me. I know that path leads to divorce court and I couldn’t handle that right now. If it comes then I must learn to live somehow without her in my life. It will probably be the toughest thing I have ever done. It will kill me. She won’t care. Even now the very thought of it brings on sobs. Not just tears but real sobs. I definitively need a will. I will go to the county store in Deptford and get a copy of it and use that to create a real will that I can get notarized to make it legal. I have a bit of thought I will leave on each one’s desktop on the PC and I will leave my words for them alone in a file just for them. I will tell them how to view the files in my will. As for who gets what? Well I think my unfaithful wife will probably get the lion’s share of it. Not sure if I care about that and should try to cut the size of what she gets just to leave more for the others or not. I’m not even sure she can’t take it all since she’s still my wife. Note to self: Don’t you dare do anything or even think about anything until the divorce is final. God grant that day never comes. I’ll also need to take her off my beneficiary list if we divorce. No matter. She’ll get half any way. I just hope they (the judge) will be merciful on me and remember I am on a fixed income. I will have lost half my pension when I can least afford to. And I WILL NOT give up my half ownership of the NC home. I’ll simply call and see if she is there before I go down. Avoid her like she often does with me. Dunno what to do or how to get started either way?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………….. BLAST! CAN’T CATCH AN IDEA! Do you think YOU can? One will kill me most likely and the other way is to struggle to deal with the unbearable for the rest of my life. Whatever remains of it. I know where YOU land. Struggle. But I’m damned tired of struggling. It is hopeless. I have zero chance of getting her back so why struggle?

WoW! That took a hell of a long time to write through the tears and sobs.

Sorry. I will try to be better tomorrow,

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