Journal – Oct 15, 2017

Tears. I am so full of tears. I hate those tears. They unman me. It would be a different story is I had a damn reason for the tears but I have none.

I think my wife has found a boy friend. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry that it’ll be OK but it’s not going to be. It never will again. Never. The tears will stop eventually but the pain will remain forever. Oh Allie I miss you. I’m so sorry fr giving you nothing but a miserable life. It’s all my fault.

Got to call the insurance company today about my accident on Saturday. The car’s not really that bad. Front passenger side is caved in but it didn’t even break the headlight or the turn signal. However it did affect the alignment. Now it pulls severally to the right.

Have a cardiologist appointment today. I see no reason to go. My chest pain has been good. The insurance company nixxed the echo cardiogram and stress test the doctor requested before. What’s the point in going?

Then later today I have an appointment with my GP about my eyes or equilibrium. Whatever causes me to drift to the right when I drive. I keep almost hitting parked cars.

Time was my wife used to care if I went to the doctor about things like this. Not anymore. Anymore she couldn’t care less. To think that she used to love me. It only brings on more tears.

Heather says I can count on her. We talked a little bit. She did not carry tales. Maybe I CAN trust her. I need someone I can talk to. I have no one. I am alone. All alone. I can’t even trust my daughters. There is no one I can trust and I can really open up to. I can trust my mom but I can’t really open up to her. There is already too much bad blood between my wife and her. But I need someone real, physical that I can talk to.

All that I’ve done for these people in the past and they give my wife all the credit. They side with her against me. They leave mre alone. I guess I don’t count. Probably never do. It was always my wife who counted. She gets a new boyfriend and they all drop me like a hot potato.

My youngest daughter and my sister in law were in a car accident yesterday. My SIL was driving. Looks like the car is totalled. They both went to the emergency room. I was the first one there to check on them. I was fine until I was pushed aside by everyone else. Then I was relegated to a corner. Even so I remained until they were discharged. They bot have a lot of muscle soreness but no evidence of other damage, either to the back or the neck. My daughter had to work last night. I am sure she was hurting like a bitch. I prayed for her. Maybe it did some good. Maybe not. Also prayed for my SIL. Same thing. Maybe it did some good maybe not.

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