Journal – Oct 10, 2018

It’s been an interesting few days. I’ve been up, down and all around. I have everyone telling me to give up on my wife and let her go. I.E. divorce her. But I can’t do that at least not yet. I am not ready to give up. I fought for her before and won. It still might happen all though the odds are long and the chances remote. I can’t help constantly worrying that she has a boyfriend. Last time I asked her she said no and I believed her. But what about now? I am afraid to ask again for fear of what the answer might be. It could be soul crushing. I say to myself I’d rather know for sure but would I? I dunno. So I am trapped in stasis right now.

Depressions have been terrible. So deep and so strong. They eat away at my thoughts and make me want to die. Or burn my arm. Neither of which has happened yet although I make no promises for the future. The dying is to escape the pain. The arm burning is to externalize the pain. By externalizing it I can manage it.

Cycles have been relatively rapid. Every few days I get a couple of days of hypomania. Thank God for them. They keep me sane. Give me a break from the beast.

Speaking of the beast there has been no sign of Dunno or Noahbody or the little girl. There has also been no sign of the shadow people.

My wife is not letting me drive at the moment. I’m having an issue where I keep drifting to the right side of the car. I scared myself and a few others with the thought that I was going to hit a parked car. A couple of times I had to swerve to avoid one. It’s weird. I don’t even realize I am on the right shoulder until an almost accident occurs. I want to try the bike and see how I am on that but she advises against it too. I dunno if something is screwy with my vision or my equilibrium. I do have positional vertigo so it could be part of that. She says not to drive until I see a doctor. Of course she can’t stop me from driving now that we are separated but I choose to listen to her because I scared myself with this so it’s obviously a problem. I mean I normally hold the left center of the road. Now I keep drifting to the right and I don’t have an inkling why. All I know is it is scary.

My wife is still doing her own thing. I think I am becoming accustomed to it. I mean if she doesn’t want me then fuck her. I don’t need her either.

The thing is I have no one else in my life and I desperately need a life. I tried to volunteer a couple of places and they did not want me. I guess I’m not qualified for a soup kitchen or for hospice. Next I’m looking at the Knights Of Columbus. My only issue there is they are a Catholic organization and I would prefer to volunteer somewhere that’s not faith based.

So I’m surviving, barely. Not really living but trying to find a life. That’s when the depression lets me.

Be good people. Stay strong. Always face the world with a smile. Never refuse a hug and try for at least on real laugh per day. There is magic in smiles and laughs and hugs that can change your life for the better forever. Give it a try,

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