Journal – May 20, 2019

I’ve lost my health insurance and so I’ve had to cut back on my meds to try and stretch them although I don’t see the point. They’ll run out soon enough and then I will go nuts. I can only hope they last until the Alaskan cruise because SHE says she will not go with me without them. And her ticket is already bought and paid for.

Those damn meds are expensive as hell. Their cost would be $580/month WITH a prescription card.

So needless top say I am not too stable.

I learned this weekend exactly where I stand in the hierarchy of people in her life. She left this morning for Florida with my daughter and her kids. They are going to Disney World. I knew this was coming up and wanted to spend some time with her before she left. I asked her Friday night and Saturday night if she wanted to go to dinner and a movie. Her excuse for saying no was she was helping her sister setup her campground. Her sister just bought a trailer and is going seasonal. I can remember a time when she would have jumped at a chance to go out with me. Now I play 3rd fiddle to her sister. I say third fiddle because she got back early Sunday afternoon. I know this because she lent her truck to my older daughter who just smashed up her car. I tried calling my wife numerous times and she wouldn’t answer. That’s a sure sign that she was with her boyfriend. Then I went to my youngest daughter’s home last night to watch game of thrones. My wife lives there and I had hoped to see her there. No such luck. She was still at her boyfriend’s. She probably got laid while she was there. I really expected her to be home since they were leaving at 3 AM this morning. Apparently she did not miss me at all even though she professes that she does. I mean she could have cut me an hour out of her time with her boyfriend but she just didn’t care.

I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want a divorce as long as there is a chance for me but I increasingly see that a chance for me is a pipe dream. The thing is I can’t see myself continuing to live without her. I am so damn lonely and I miss her so much. I doubt if I have enough pills left to do the job but I can always find another way. I could take a 100 MPH blast on my cycle and run into a concrete abbutment. That is why I will not ride my bike even in this beautiful weather. It would take but a mere eyeblink to do it and I can easily see myself losing it while riding and ending up a red smear on the side of an underpass.

I’ve been so depressed that I can’t even really get out of bed so it’s been over a week since I’ve been to the gym. I know the depression merely pushes her farther away and that only makes it worse. In the last 3 weeks I’ve seen her once for breakfast and then she wanted me to meet her there rather than pick her up. As if she can barely stand the sight of me while I would die just to see her again.

I’m sorry I ever booked this damned Alaskan cruise. She told me she’d give me a week to prove that we still work together. It seems clear to me that it was a forlorn hope and nothing will ever help.

I’ve never been one to give up on a relationship but it seems she has cancelled out our relationship. Sad thing is I leave everything to her in my will. Looks like I will need to change that before I give up for good.

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