Journal – March 7, 2019

It is a relatively good day so far but then the day has just started so we’ll see where it goes from here. So far depression is very mild, there are no voices in my head and there are no tears. I am doing good so far.

Got my suit all straightened out for the funeral on Saturday. I’m not usually one to wear a suit to such things but I am a pall bearer so I want to look my best. I remember way back when my wife would come to such things with me. Now she won’t even hear of it. That’s a shame because I paid to bury her mother. You’d think she’d come just to support me but I am not very high on her list of priorities anymore. I shouldn’t say that because she usually still takes care of me. Usually that is. Not always.

I let Sebastion from Miracle Ear have it both barrels the other day. He sent me an email asking how I was and I told him that I have given up on the hearing aids. All they do is plug up with wax, then I take them to get cleaned and two weeks later the right one is plugged up again followed in a couple more weeks by the left one then the cycle begins again. While he has always been very professional with me his product sucks. He called me back and I missed the call so he left a message saying they were aware of the problem and are doing everything possible to resolve it in a timely manner. In my mind the solution is to allow me to take them apart and clean the speakers like he does. It might take a bit of training but that is the only possible thing I can see to do. In truth I miss being able to hear. Without my hearing aids I feel like my ears are stuffed full of cotton. I really have to call Sebastion back and see what he has to say. I will do that today. I have tried a couple of times but they were closed when I did. I left messages but I’m not sure they got to him.

This morning I have to be over my youngest’s house at 7:30 AM to take the kids to school. She worked midnight last night with another one tonight and so she needs her sleep.

Another weekend is coming up. I have grown to dread weekends. It is when my wife disappears to spend time with, presumably, her boyfriend. I hust all weekend long with frequent tears and deep depressions. Sometimes very deep. They are always accompanied by suicidal thoughts and strange voices in my head encouraging me to kill myself. I fight it all weekend long but I just had my pills refilled and so I have enough to do the job. I have to be strong and resist the pull of death. Sometimes being strong gets very old. You just want to let it all go and give in to the madness.

Well be good people. Stay strong. Always face the world with a smile and never refuse a hug. Try for at least one good laugh per day. There is real magic in smiles and hugs and laughter. Remember… fake it ’til ya make it. Not always easy to do but then nothing worth doing is ever easy.

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