Journal – June 20, 2019

A bad day. Very bad. Hard to take after a stress free week and a half in Alaska. Monstrous headache as stress levels have gone through the roof already. Stomach in knots so tight that I think I’m going to throw up. Depression has grabbed hold of me and is digging it’s roots ever deeper into my psyche. I am alone in this. So alone. Nerves are shot. Tears flowing. Can’t think. Can’t function. Can barely breathe.

My Chevelle has died. The ignition switch went south. Cost to get it fixed: $200 plus towing. I have an ice cube’s chance in hell of ever coming up with the money. Can’t fix it myself but I’m going to have to try. I’ve never taken a steering column apart and have no idea where to start. Maybe I can find a youtube video on it. I haven’t looked yet.

I need $262 for Miracle Ear to get my hearing aid back. Need $560 to get my meds refilled. Can’t go without my meds but I’m going to have to. Also will have to go without my hearing aid.

Have to find out from the insurance company if I am covered for towing. Somehow I doubt it.

I will have to sell ,y cycle to come up with the money I need. My wife offered to sell hers but I can’t do that to her. Besides I will get more money for my bike than for hers. First I have to find the title or get a duplicate. I will miss my bike. It is my sanity machine.

I need a drink or four. And I don’t drink. Quit almost 4 years ago. Maybe a bowl would work but I don’t have any pot and can’t afford any.

Bills pile up and there is no money to pay them.

I am lost and suicidal. If only I had enough pills left to do it I would. Who gives a fuck if it proves how week I am to my wife? She is lost from me forever anyway.

I can’t go on like this forever. Something has to give and that something is me. I keep thinking about divorce. I’d rather die first. Hell, I am already dead.

Fucking head is killing me and my stomach doubles me over in pain. My chest hurts. It’s being squeezed. Feels like a heart attack but I know better. Anyway I can’t go to the hospital with no health insurance.

Well who gives a flying fuck anyway?

2 thoughts on “Journal – June 20, 2019”

    1. Now our roof is leaking badly in our home in North Carolina. Been lots of bad storms down there. Could be storm damage. If so maybe insurance will pay for it. If not I will need to sell my car in addition to the bikes. It’s a 1972 Chevelle with a 350 LT1 ‘Vette motor with a bracket racing cam and a 411 posi rear. Cherry condition. If I can find a buyer I should be able to get $20K for it. That would put a new roof on the house.

      In addition Duke Energy shut the power off. We owe them money off course. Money we don’t have. All the food in the refrigerator spoiled and there’s maggots in the freezer. We don’t have the money to pay them and so there is no fixing that either.

      We found all this out from my brother in law who also has a place down there. We don’t have the money to down there.

      Damn… gotta sell both bikes ASAP.

      Thanks for the comments.

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