Journal – July 15, 2018

My wife says she’s just not happy in this life. She doesn’t know what she needs to make her happy but she knows she needs to make a change. She suggests that change may be just walking out… on me, the kids and the grands. She says if it wasn’t so frightening to start over she would do so. I have offered to get her a one bedroom appt but she doesn’t think that’s the answer. I know for certain she wants out of Jersey. We could do that except we’d each need to keep coming back for doctors appts and dentist appts. Our medical insurance is no good outside of Jersey. I guess the answer is just that… leave us all behind and move to NC. I have more doctor’s appts and so I cannot go with her. Thing is she pushed me into taking all of these tests and making all of these appts and now she wants to leave me as a result of them. Just doesn’t seem right somehow.

Her depression is deeper than my own. So much worse all things being relative. I feel so bad for her and don’t know how to help her. She says at least she is keeping the communication channels open, unlike me when I went through the exact same thing. She is bored and feels like she has done nothing with her life. Telling her she raised 3 kids virtually on her own and is raising grandkids now that their own parents can’t do so gets exactly nowhere because that is what she wants to get away from.

I am losing her little by little. I have to be careful not to make her feel guilty. It is never my intention.

Yet I love her and don’t want to lose her. I feel like I’ve lost her already.

I don’t know how to reach her. How to make her feel again. She says she is numb and feels nothing for any of us or anything at all.

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