Journal – Jan 9, 2019

It’s been a crazy couple of days. First my wife says she loves me then she says she doesn’t. Naturally my hopes go up and down with her statements. My mood seems to follow them also. Either elated or depressed. The Bipolar is bad enough now I have outside forces acting on my mood too.

I’ve stopped the medical marijuana because it seems like it’s been affecting my driving ability even when I’m straight and not stoned. Or it could be the fact that I need glasses. My glasses are in today. I can’t wait to pick them up because maybe they will let me drive again once I have them. I still haven’t had my peripheral vision checked. I had an appointment for tomorrow but I had to cancel it because I lost my medical card and have to wait for a new one to arrive in the mail.

My son is doing much better. He went cold turkey off the suboxin last week and paid hell for it. He had to take the week off from work and even Monday this week he was still hurting but he went to work. Monday evening seemed to be a turning point for him. The pain vanished and he felt well enough to work out and to clean the house. However his energy level was still down as of last night. But I think he’s over the worst of it now. They say withdrawal from a suboxin addiction is worse than percocets or even heroin. From what I saw I believe it. My heart broke to see him suffering like that but I knew it was necessary in order to get the beast off his back. I am so proud of him for sticking it out.

This morning was another nutso day. I paced and tapped and just went crazy. That’s happened each of the last 3 days. Yesterday I had another bout of chest pain. That hasn’t happened, neither of them has happened, since I started the medical marijuana. Now that I’ve stopped it is back. So it is a choice between nutso and heart attack symptoms and driving. But I have to be able to drive so that is that. The diazepam I take to fight the nervous jitters no longer seems to work.

I’ve still been going to the gym every day that I can get there. The endorphins from working out really give me a nice high. But it is tough to get myself to go even when I have a ride in both directions. I have to really push myself but once I get there and get started it is OK. That’s where I burn off the nervousness that makes me crazy in the morning.

Well be good people. Stay strong. Always face the world with a smile. Never refuse a hug. Try for at least one good laugh per day. There is real magic in smiles and hugs and laughter.

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