We had a long talk yesterday. I see now for certain what I have long suspected. I am at fault. I destroyed our marriage. It was all my doing. I am the reason she no longer feels like she’s married to ma. And never again will. All I can do now is set her free. Remove myself from her life. She’ll be happy eventually. Sure there will be some pain at first but she’ll get over it soon enough. Thing about it is I don’t want to die. I really don’t. But it seems like the only option. The only way to set her free for good once and for all. I took a ride yesterday and took all of my pills with me. I brought a full large bottle of iced tea so that I could take all of the pills. I smoked a joint and sat and thought. And thought. And thought some more. I decided I did not want to die right then. I figured I’d give it some time and see how I feel today. Today I feel no different. I see no other answer. I have to die. Later today I will repeat my excursion from yesterday only this time I WILL take all of my pills. I have a secluded spot to go to where no one will find me right away. That will give me time to die. I wrote a last will and testament and although it’s not notarized I think it will hold up. It’s easy. I leave all my worldly goods to her to do with as she sees fit. I also wrote a letter to her hopefully explaining why I must do this. Or explaining well enough that she won’t feel guilty and hopefully it will ease some of the pain. I really don’t want to be found until it is too late to revive me. I don’t want to end up in the nut house again. But I am pretty sure I can do this without anyone finding me until I am already dead. I just need to sneak out of the house with all my pills. If nothing else the trazadone should do the trick. But I will take them all. Every last pill. And I will leave my letter and my will in the car with me for that they are found when my body is found. I will go to the back of the industrial park in Pine Run. That should be isolated enough. I will do another joint then I will start downing my pills. From the most lethal to the least lethal. That should work.