Journal – Feb 6, 2019

Another day, another dollar. Or 75 cents counting inflation.Not a good day. Not at all. Depression is deep and strong. It was all I could do to get outta bed and type this. Tears flow freely. Suicidal thoughts fill my head. How I’d be better off dead. How THEY’D be better off if I was dead. I don’t belong in this world. I am not in this world anyway. I’m not even of this world. I don’t belong here. I don’t deserve it. I deserve to die. I quit. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. I am alone. Alone and filled with despair and hopelessness. Not even the hope of hope. I miss my wife. I need her today. I’m not even sure I will go to the gym today. Not sure I can make it. My wife was supposed to start going with me on Monday but that didn’t happen. Now it doesn’t seem like it ever will happen. I had a shitty workout yesterday. Forgot to do the treadmill. Had to lower the weights on all the machines. Could not do the abdominal crunches. Only did 2 minutes at a time on the elliptical instead of my usual 6 minutes at a shot. Only got the bike up to 70 RPMs and that was a stretch. I usually do 100 RPMs throughout all 5 levels. I think it was the depression killing me. I should not even bother trying today. I’m not sure I can even get myself there. I usually talk to my wife in the morning via Facebook Messenger but she’s not responding to me. I suspect she spent the night with her boyfriend and probably went out to breakfast with him this morning. That would be why shhe’s not answering me even though when she goes out to eat with me she doesn’t stop texting the entire time. That shows how important I am. To her I am just an income. I can remember when she used to love me. Why doesn’t she love me now? I do everything she asked of me. I by her expepnsive jewelry and bought her a very nice Christmas gift. I leave he alone and do not pester her. I do not ask where she is going nor do I ask to go with her. I do not smother her. All of the things she required of me. I do not ask her about her boyfriend. I let her run free. How can I get her back? How can I win her back when I must leave her alone all of the time? We are supposed to go to a concert on March 3rd. I am not sure she will even go. Last time she begged off and I ended up taking my parents and my sister. I guess she wants nothing to do with me. What can I do about that? I asked her out for dinner on Valentine’s day. Well that’s not going to happen. Mostly my own fault. She said she usually goes out to a dinner and a movie with the girls. I thought she meant the girls from work and asked her how she could “usually” do anything with the girls from work when last year this time we were together still. I accused her of having plans with Jimmy her boyfriend instead. Well she meant my girls, Bobbi and Mary, not the girls from work and she does usually go out with them on Valentine’s day. But I forgot. Got myself in a boat load of trouble over that one let me tell you. I suspect that’s why she’s not going to the gym with me and why she’s not talking to me. Open mouth insert foot. I’m not even to exhort good things for you today. I’m just not up to it. So let me just say goodbye.

Leave a Reply