Journal – Feb 18, 2019

It’s been a rough few days. Depression is kicking my ass. Yesterday I couldn’t even drag myself out of bed until 3:30 in the afternoon. Today I’ve been up since 2 AM. My daughter says I’ve been weeping in my sleep. Not surprising really. I spend the day crying.

I miss my wife. I haven’t seen or heard from her since Valentine’s day. And that day I barely saw her at all since I was stuck watching Mary’s kids all day and night while they went out. I think that Saturday night she spent with her boyfriend. It breaks my heart. Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart…

My son has been doing much better. I’d venture to say he is finally past the addiction but I know how those things go. One little slip and he’ll be right back where he was.

I haven’t been to the gym in a week. I’m considering quitting. I just can’t seem to drag myself there. I don’t care anymore. I have no one to get myself in shape for so what’s the use? My mom would say to do it for myself but I just don’t care.

I’m only up and drinking coffee because I have to take my old computer over to Mary’s for Bella to use for school. They’ll have to buy a printer though. I don’t even have one of those. Last one I bought lasted 2 weeks before one of the paper feed doors came off and now it won’t print at all. I tried putting the door back on but it is broken. Well it was only $45 for the printer but I expect more out of an HP. That’s supposed to be a good name for a printer.

I got a new computer desk so I no longer have to lay on the floor to use my machine. I still miss my monstrosity of a desk that I’ve had for the last 15 years. It came from an office and had 4 drawers, 2 on each side, and a top back panel that had two large cabinets in it. It was all metal and heavy as a bitch. It was the perfect desk but there simply wasn’t any room for it now in the new house. I’ll bet the trash men hated us when they had to pick that up and put it in the truck. Goddamn it I miss my desk. Not as much as I miss my wife but I still miss it. I’m not sure what they did with all of the stuff that was in it. I guess it’s all in a box or two over Mary’s. I dunno what I can do with it all here in the new home. Thank God Mary isn’t bugging me to get it out. My wife will be the one to push me to get rid of it all. I’m guessing I will have to throw most of it away even though it is all good stuff. I just don’t have any place to put it unless I put the box(es) down in the basement or up in the attic and what is the sense of that since I won’t be able to use any of it.

I was considering taking off the next time we get paid. I was going to go to the air force museum in Ohio for a day or two then boogie on down to North Carolina. I had hope that my wife might want to go but fat chance of that. I will have to go alone. But I cannot go because we have a Procol Harem concert on March 3rd. Maybe when we get paid after that I can go.

Well be good people. Stay strong. Always face the world with a smile and never refuse a hug. Try for at least one good laugh per day. There is real magic in smiles and hugs and laughter. Let it change your life forever.

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