Journal – Dec 9, 2018

She loves me. She loves me not. Or she no longer loves me that way. I have been consigned tp brother status. So regardless she loves me not.

She spent the night here the other night. We slept in the same bed. She wore clothes to bed whihc spoke volumes to me. Mainly it said don’t touch me which I did not. Yet she held me for a while until we went to sleep.

Is it no wonder I am so confused? Or so depressed?

Yes the depression is still wiith me. It has been deep lately. I’ve had difficulty just getting out of bed let alone moving.

I should be paid in 2 or 3 days. Have to straighten out the bill for the gym so I can go again. That place was becoming my life line. Oh she’ll love me then. Until the money is gone. That’s not fair to her and not true. How she feels about me and how she acts won’t change. I am doomed.

Damn tears. I fucking hate them.It’s been a while since I’ve had any mania. If I remember correctly I had a couple of days of hypomania a week or two ago. Mostly I have been depressed. Way down there bouncing on the bottom. No hope whatsoever. Not even the hope of hope.

My daughter went out and bought herself a car. Newest car she’s ever owned. A Chrysler 200 like we have only one model year older. And far fewer miles. While our car has 43K miles hers only has 18. But I hate to tell her that the purchase of her car locks her into that job she hates and keeps saying she’s quiting. I mean she ciukd get abother jobbut it needs to pay at least $18/hr.

The ex just called. No reason, just to talk. It is things like that that send me mixed signals. She said she just wanted to see how I was doing today. She cares just not enough.

Damn. More tears. Goddamn depession.

I gotta go back to the doc to get recertified for medical marijuana. I hear they are very close to legalizing marijuana for recreational use in New Jersey. I can’t wait for that day. No more doctors as middle men. That’s $135 a pop since insurance doesn’t cover it. If they only knew what it does for me. The meds I no longer need and the money that saves them. It pays for itself plus more. Unfortunately I don’t see any of that savings and have the added bill of the marijuana. But it works so well. It even squashes the suicidal thoughts. Itt definitely puts an end to the panic attacks and the nervous twitching. So that’s 3 meds it saves them. Potentially more but I’ve been afraid to try eliminating more. Afraid of pushing it too far.

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