Journal – Dec 2, 2018

I’ve been on that medicinal marijuana. So far it has allowed me to stop taking 3 out of 7 of my pills. But different strains have different reactions. They did not have the strain I’ve been buying so at their recommendation I tried and 1/8th ounce of another strain. Well that was a mistake. Where the other strain calmed me down and helped immensely with panic attacks and the shakes that I get from the risperidal I take (anti psychotic) this strain has the opposite effect. It wires me up abd makes me shake and twitch. This is the frst strain I’ve had that does that. Hell, some of the other strains even claim to fight depression. I can see hhow this one could. It fires me up too much to be depressed. Bu the effect on my nerves is bad. So I mayy just see if I can sell it and get a different strain.

I saw my wife briefly yesterday and today. Both times she gave me a hug and said she loved me. While that made me feel good I know it to b a lie. After all she has a boyfriend whom she’s sleeping with so how much could she love me? She does that. She dangles hope out there in front of me only to yank it away later. It’s OK. I love her enough that I’ll take any crumb she’ll pass my way. Better a chance than no chance at all. Although she never says she loves me before she hangs up the phone even though I always say I love her.

Depression isn’t too bad today. Oh it’s still there but it’s mild. I still get thoughts of suicide and I still am dead already inside. I log to die for good. But I will not do that again, ever. I’m here for the long run. I will not let anyone or anything drive me to suicide anymore. Not even losing my wife. I will never again try to take my own life. I promise. My wife discounts my promises ever since I broke my vow to her. I don’t blame her for that. It is my own fault. Most if not all of her reasons for .leaving me are my own fault.

It’s 60 degF today but it’s very damp and nasty outside. Tomorrow is supposed to be nice, in the mid to upper 50’s and dry, but tomorrow night it is supposed to drop and be bitter cold the rest of the week. I still have to get over and start both bikes and let them warm up. From here on in I will do that at least every month although I’d like to do it every 2 weeks. After I let her bike warm up I shut the petcock off and run the carburator dry. My bike’s fuel injected so there’s no need for that. Indeed it doesn’t have a fuel shut off valve. She is talking about selling her bike and getting a bigger one. At least a 500cc. One big enough to ride to NC and up the mountains there. First I told her to try my bike. It’s a 950 so if she can ride that she can ride a 500. I just hope she doesn’t drop it on me or get into an accident. I wouldn’t like to see her get hurt over a cycle.

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