Journal – 5-29-2018

So last time I wrote I believe I was attempting suicide, Obviously I failed. At first I was upset and planned on doing it again ASAP. Then two things occurred to me. 1st if I tried again so soon and failed again they might lock me in the nuthouse again, this time for a very long time. After that though delayed my 2nd attempt I came to realize that suicide was the coward’s way out. It is much harder to continue to live and dad always says nothing worth doing is ever easy. That means living must be worth doing. While I don’t see that anymore (any life without my wife is impossible) I do recognize that there are people who need me. My oldest daughter for one. Her poor fatherless kids for 2, 3, 4 and 5. My wife may not need or want me anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have value. Please forgive me for any typos. I write this through a veil of tears. As I do every day, often during the day. Something will make me think of her and boom! The tears start flowing. I think I have a deep depression. Death still calls to me. I am full of despair and total hopelessness. I am so bloody lonely and it is killimg me. I don’t ever sleep well. Medical marijuana is all that keeps me going. That and the desire to show my wife I am not so weak as to need her, although I do. Desperately. I am and have been lost for quite sometime now. I don’t know how to act around her or what is allowable to say. She has blocked me on Facebook again but at least we can still talk on messenger. Although I rarely know what to say. I suspect her of having a boyfriend but that might be my own worst fear talking. I think I could accwpt her going out just to get laid. A one night stand you know? But to have a boyfriend means she’s given her heart to another and there is no more hope for us. It means divorce and most probably death anyway. I want write a will naming my brother as executor of the will and divy everything up between the grands. Some special ones would get more. I do not want my wife to get her hands on it or she will blow it all in 6 months. That would include enough for Bobbi to still buy the house and a stipend for my wife. Half ownerships in properties would be transferred to one of the grands. Possibly I would leave my share in the NC house to my wife. Possibly. OK… probably. Both bikes are mine so I can say who gets them. The jewelry of course stays with my wife as does her Christmas present this year… which I already got her and know she will love it. I have a thousand other details to work out like who gets my PC and laptop? I have to pass on the administrator password and some special instructions concerning the desktop PC. I once had all of this in files, one for each person, but it became too cumbersome to keep up so I will do a will before I check out. And this frigging time I will succeed.

10 thoughts on “Journal – 5-29-2018”

  1. I get it…journaling on here. I do it, too. I put all of my thoughts down and reread them when I’m trying to process something or need to feel stronger. Doing this allows me to see the flaws in my thinking, and to see patterns in myself and others I journal about. It helps me recognize manipulations, as well.
    It infuriates me when someone has something negative to say about my post. For instance…the way I process things may not be the way another would. So I don’t want to come off as negative. What I would like to do is offer you hope. It sounds like you have plenty of things in life to live for, and you start out writing about them…but then it seems you think about life without your wife and everything that you admitted had value…suddenly becomes moot.
    I am going through a similar situation. My husband seems to be struggling like you. He has manic depression, and suffers with paranoid delusions. He refuses mental health treatment and refuses to take his meds. Actually he takes the meds when he “feels like he needs them”. What he doesn’t realize is he is making it worse by not being medication compliant. He is an amazing man when he is stable. When he isn’t stable…he is a true monster.
    He has left me again…fifth time in as many years. I thought it was the end of the world this time. It’s been 2 months, and I miss the balanced version of my husband so badly. Yet, I would live without him forever as long as he refuses to talk care/action regarding his mental health. It isn’t healthy for me to live in his pain, too. Our home is not a warm and inviting place as long as he is having an episode. I love him with all of my heart…and I want to help him…but I can’t do it for him. I’ve emotionally supported him since we met, and the treatment he has received is due to my research and initiative. He is inconsistent…even with me by his side.
    He deserves to have the life he chooses. I also deserve the life I choose. I recognize we must make the life we want…and though I wish peace and happiness for my husband…that is not what he chooses for himself. Maybe it is his illness preventing it. Well…he knows how to ask for help. That is all it takes…in one moment of clarity…all he has to do is ask for help. Currently, he chooses not to. I hate leaving him behind…it kills me. He calls me a b*#&%…two nights ago he told me to f*&^ off and die. He is suspicious of everything I do…and he does not believe anything I tell him…though I have never given him a reason to distrust me.
    I think about all of the other things in my life and I finally recognized…yes I love my husband…but while I am hanging my life on his choices and decisions I am missing out on having my own life. Yes, our lives should be one, because we are married. However, since that is not currently possible…I must find my own way. I feel abandoned, betrayed, lost, lonely, sad, angry, overwhelmed, and lied to. Yet…this darkness is natural and not a dead end, but a hallway. Living without my husband was not in my plans, and it sucks. However, I should not be so attached that he is my entire world…he does not give my life value. The sum total of my life…including me…gives my life it’s value. It is up to me to determine what I make of my life now that is seems my plans must change. Should he desire to take charge of his life and get healthy…maybe we could have another shot down the road. Yet, for now…I deserve good things. So do you!!
    Warm regards,
    Farriberri

  2. I get it…journaling on here. I do it, too. I put all of my thoughts down and reread them when I’m trying to process something or need to feel stronger. Doing this allows me to see the flaws in my thinking, and to see patterns in myself and others I journal about. It helps me recognize manipulations, as well.

    Though it infuriates me when someone has something negative to say about my post. For instance…the way I process things may not be the way another would. So I don’t want to come off as negative. What I would like to do is offer you hope.

    It sounds like you have plenty of things in life to live for, and you start out writing about them…but then it seems you think about life without your wife, and everything that you admitted had value…suddenly becomes moot.

    I’m going through a similar situation. My husband seems to be struggling similar to you. He has manic depression, and suffers with paranoid delusions. He refuses mental health treatment, and refuses to take his meds. Actually he takes the meds when he “feels like he needs them”. What he doesn’t realize is he is making it worse by not being medication compliant.

    He is an amazing man when he is stable. When he isn’t stable…he is a true monster.

    He has left me again…fifth time in as many years. I thought it was the end of the world this time. It’s been 2 months, and I miss the balanced version of my husband so badly. Yet, I would live without him forever as long as he refuses to take care/action regarding his mental health. It isn’t healthy for me to live in his pain, too. Our home is not a warm, and inviting place as long when he is having an episode, and the episodes can last for weeks.

    I love him with all of my heart…and I want to help him…but I can’t do it for him. I’ve emotionally supported him since we met, and the treatment he has received is due to my research and initiative. He is inconsistent…even with me by his side.

    He deserves to have the life he chooses. I also deserve the life I choose. I recognize we must make the life we want…and though I wish peace and happiness for my husband; that is not what he chooses for himself. Maybe it is his illness preventing it. Well if so, he knows how to ask for help. That is all it takes,in one moment of clarity, all he has to do is ask for help and accept it. Currently, he chooses not to.

    I hate leaving him behind…it kills me. He calls me a b*#&%, and two nights ago he told me to f*&^ off and die. He is suspicious of everything I do…and he does not believe anything I tell him…though I have never given him a reason to distrust me.

    I’ve thought about all of the other things in my life, and I finally recognized…yes I love my husband…but while I am hanging my life on his choices, and decisions I am missing out on having my own life. Yes, our lives should be one, because we are married. However, since that is currently not possible…I must find my own way.

    I feel abandoned, betrayed, lost, lonely, sad, angry, overwhelmed, and lied to. Yet…this darkness is natural, and not a dead end, but a hallway. Living without my husband was not in my plans, and it sucks. However, I should not be so attached to him that he is my entire world…he alone does not give my life value. The sum total of my life…including me…gives my life it’s value.

    It is up to me to determine what I will make of my life now that is seems my plans must change. Should he desire to take charge of his life and get healthy…maybe we could have another shot down the road. Yet, for now…I deserve good things. So do you!!
    Warm regards,
    Farriberri

    1. Thank you for your comment. In a twisted sort of way we have more in common then you realize. Except I am the manic depressive. I also have schizo-effective disorder, dissociative identity disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I religiously take my meds as directed but I have recently added medicinal marijuana to the mix. With that I can permanently skip the meds for anxiety and sometimes more of them.

      Thing is… it took me decades to get here where I take my meds religiously. Decades where, like your husband I would think I did not need them when I felt good. But they WERE the reason I was feeling good. I see that now and I realize how twisted that thinking is.

      But then it is my “normal” wife who has left me. Not that I don’t deserve it. I put her through hell for a long, long time and she stuck by my side through all of it. Which is why, or one of the reasons, why I don’t get her leaving me now when I am doing so much better most of the time. But there are echoes of her mantra in your writings too… she has to find herself, she needs her own life, etc.

      I think the two of you would be good for each other but she is only on Facebook and I won’t let her read what I write here. This is my escape, the only one I have left. I am sorry to you about that.

      1. Thank you so very much for your response. My husband doesn’t know about my journal either. I have to have a private place to vent.

        Mental illness is hard…devestating. Definitely for the family, and I am trying so hard to learn what it is like for the patient. I think I understand things from your wife’s point of view…what I would like to hear more of is your thoughts. If you are up for it.

        When you are at your lowest…when you are so full of despair…what do you need from your wife?

        Has there ever been a time when you felt like you absolutely detested her and the ground she walked on? How did she/could she talk with you and help you through that time?

        I think I know what if feels like to be in her shoes. What I don’t understand is how to stand by my husband when he is pushing me away. Telling him I am here for him or reminding him I love him makes things so much worse. When he is stable he says he believes me…yet other times he tells me I am lying. Can you shed light on what’s going on with you in these low moments?

        I have only chosen to move forward with my life, because I don’t do well in limbo. I don’t know what else to do. Though…I am loving him from a distance.

        Congratulations on your stability and insight…you should really feel proud of your achievements.

        1. Let’s see… when I am at my lowest what I most need from my wife is an ear to listen AND understand. Yet that is precisely the thing I most shy away from. But she doesn’t take no for an answer and insists we talk about what is bothering me. Or she used to anyway. I would eventually give in because I needed someone to talk to besides a computer screen. And because I loved her.

          Yes there was a time when I detested her and thought I was in love with someone else. She released me and told me to go if I wished but this person lived in Texas (we’re in Jersey) and I’d have had to give up my entire family, kids, grandkids, parents, siblings and all to go be with her. I think that is what stopped me. And a good thing it was too because someplace deep inside I still loved my wife with all my heart. It just took time for me to realize it.

          Actually this incident is one of the reasons she gives for leaving me and I don’t blame her. I blame me. You know the old adage “the heart wants most what it cannot have” or something like that. It seems to be true. Yet we had been doing so well together that she knocked me for a loop when she left and I attempted suicide.

          When I go through times, or went through time I should say, where I pushed her away it was mostly out of embarrassment and shame and fear that she would see the real me and then she would leave me for good. I guess that finally happened because she is gone for good.

          I really wish I could set you up to talk to her even on Facebook but she has blocked me and everyone I know. Her name on Facebook is Alice Foreman Karas if you want to try yourself. Just don’t mention you know me. I don’t know what to suggest as to how you know she has a crazy husband whom she has finally given up on.

          Proud of my achievements? All I’ve ever done is destroy what I most love. That is nothing to be proud of. Thank you for your sentiments though. They do go a ways towards soothing the savage beast.

          If only Thoughts was still open. I had tons of posts on there describing what it is really like. Maybe someday I will try to reproduce them here yet this place seems like a black hole… you type things and it sucks them up and they’re gone forever. How to see other’s posts I have no clue.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I have tons more questions. Much of what you explained sounds just like my husband. I hope one day to be able to understand enough about what he experiences, so that he can receive effective treatment. Underneath all the stuff that weighs him down…that layer of worthlessness, pain, shame, and anger…he is an amazing valuable man.
    I understand what you mean about not feeling proud of yourself, because of your previous transgressions. My husband has used your exact words “All I’ve ever done is destroy what I most love.”
    Everyone has to begin somewhere. Change is a process…and changing our thinking is one of the first steps. We all screw up…some of us in bigger ways than others. Thing is…in order to move forward we have to let go of the past. That means letting yourself off the hook. Maybe others won’t forgive you…but you can’t control that. We have to resolve to learn from that error in judgement and never repeat it. Then we have to remind ourselves not to do “whatever” when we are about to repeat it. We have to learn new ways to handle situations and break away from the old ways that caused us and others pain.
    Holding ourselves hostage in order to punish ourselves for transgressions does nothing for anyone. It won’t help you…and it won’t help the ones we hurt. When those we have previously harmed see us change our behaviors, thought patterns, and improving our lives it can help to mend relationships. It is important to allow ourselves to feel the small achievements, enjoy them, and be encouraged by them…despite our previous wrong doing. Letting ourselves feel proud when we do good does not minimize our acceptance of the mistakes we’ve made. If anything it reiterates the acceptance and solidifies to others that we are aware we must do better and that we want to do better.

    1. I understand what you’re saying and it makes sense yet I cannot help but believe I’ve only gotten what I deserve. I’ve chased my wife away and one of my daughters. My son is oblivious to any of this. My wife is the one that kills me. To lose her after 40 years.

      I know the feeling of worthlessness and hopeless well. The despair runs so deep that there not even is any hope of hope.

      Your husband is likely feeling the same way. Him leaving you may be his way of protecting you from a perceived threat. Namely himself. That is a big thing that drives me to attempt suicide. Be thankful he has not gotten in to that yet. Or into self harm. When I get really bad I tend to burn my arm with a lit cigarette. I do this to externalize the pain and put it someplace that I can deal with other than inside.

      How he exhibited any manic symptoms? High energy, talking alot (more than usual), constantly changing subjects, feeling like he’s on top of the world and can do no wrong. Starting many projects but never finishing any of them. A high level of spontaneity and a hypersexual tendency. It might last a few days or a few weeks or even more. It is even during this manic period that psychoses like super suspicious attitudes, seeing and hearing things occurs. I myself see the shadow people. I can’t count how many times I’ve woken my wife up screaming at them to get away. No. Not a dream because I am completely aware of the room around men.

      Another on is sleep paralysis. I lay in bed and can only move my eyes and I can see the shadow people coming. As they come my terror increases. I still can’t move a muscle but I can see the alarm clock and know what time it is. Then I feel them tugging at the blankets, climbing up. It is usually at that point that my terror becomes so great that I am able to break the paralysis and sit up in bed. My poor wife wakes up and has to turn on every light in the room to push away the shadow people. Only then do I slow down.

      Over the years I’ve had 2 affairs. One got slightly physical, I mean we never went all the way, and the other was an affair of the heart on Thoughts.com. I am deeply shamed by both. I broke my vows and cannot be forgiven. Another reason my wife had finally left.

      But really mostly she says she needs to find herself. That after 40 years of being a wife and mother and grandmother she no longer knows who she is. How she is supposed to find herself without her family is a mystery to me. Oh that’s right… I am the only one she has cut loose.

      Sorry. You did not deserve that. I should not have gone there.

      I hope and pray that your husband and yourself manage to work things out. Remember… he is just as lost as you are.

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