So last time I wrote I believe I was attempting suicide, Obviously I failed. At first I was upset and planned on doing it again ASAP. Then two things occurred to me. 1st if I tried again so soon and failed again they might lock me in the nuthouse again, this time for a very long time. After that though delayed my 2nd attempt I came to realize that suicide was the coward’s way out. It is much harder to continue to live and dad always says nothing worth doing is ever easy. That means living must be worth doing. While I don’t see that anymore (any life without my wife is impossible) I do recognize that there are people who need me. My oldest daughter for one. Her poor fatherless kids for 2, 3, 4 and 5. My wife may not need or want me anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have value. Please forgive me for any typos. I write this through a veil of tears. As I do every day, often during the day. Something will make me think of her and boom! The tears start flowing. I think I have a deep depression. Death still calls to me. I am full of despair and total hopelessness. I am so bloody lonely and it is killimg me. I don’t ever sleep well. Medical marijuana is all that keeps me going. That and the desire to show my wife I am not so weak as to need her, although I do. Desperately. I am and have been lost for quite sometime now. I don’t know how to act around her or what is allowable to say. She has blocked me on Facebook again but at least we can still talk on messenger. Although I rarely know what to say. I suspect her of having a boyfriend but that might be my own worst fear talking. I think I could accwpt her going out just to get laid. A one night stand you know? But to have a boyfriend means she’s given her heart to another and there is no more hope for us. It means divorce and most probably death anyway. I want write a will naming my brother as executor of the will and divy everything up between the grands. Some special ones would get more. I do not want my wife to get her hands on it or she will blow it all in 6 months. That would include enough for Bobbi to still buy the house and a stipend for my wife. Half ownerships in properties would be transferred to one of the grands. Possibly I would leave my share in the NC house to my wife. Possibly. OK… probably. Both bikes are mine so I can say who gets them. The jewelry of course stays with my wife as does her Christmas present this year… which I already got her and know she will love it. I have a thousand other details to work out like who gets my PC and laptop? I have to pass on the administrator password and some special instructions concerning the desktop PC. I once had all of this in files, one for each person, but it became too cumbersome to keep up so I will do a will before I check out. And this frigging time I will succeed.