I had to see him…

Thanks health insurance for requiring us to have biometric health assessments. His appt was 10 minutes after mine. I was forced to see him.

I tried not to speak. Yet as usual he turned on the charm for the audience. It hurts me worse when he does this. Why? Because I know he is capable of doing it when he wants, but also because he is acting. I hate watching him act. His lies bother me so much. Lies about his health, lies by pretending to be happy and humorous, lies by acting like this wonderful person to draw them in…

Those lies drew me in. I was charmed just like everyone else is …but worse…I married him. I am angry with myself now and him. So angry.

Does that mean I am moving through the grieving process? I just want to sleep. I wanna sleep and forget all of this.

He touched my leg…he didn’t have to…but he reached out and touched my leg. I get the idea he still thinks of me as his…yet he is adamant he isn’t coming home. I don’t want him home like this. I want him to have in-patient care. He needs it. More than needs it. Hell…I want inpatient care. Someone fix me!!

I don’t wanna love anymore. Not him. At this moment not anyone. I can’t believe how angry I am. I am so angry I just want to cry. I just want to retreat into isolation and simply exist. I feel like screaming…but don’t want to hear it.

It felt so much like before. I see him…and suddenly he will want to be around more or talk more. I don’t want to talk to him or see him. He complained about his health…yet he knows he is not taking care of himself.

I feel like there is someone else…probably a lot of someone elses. I don’t know how to forgive him of that again. I don’t know that I can or that I even should.

He asked why I didn’t tell him Happy Birthday. I chose not to. I can’t stand to talk to him…he is infuriating. He said even friends say Happy Birthday. I told him I don’t want to be his friend. He said that was my choice.

He is a liar. He is unstable. If he leaves my life…I want him gone from it for good. I will care about his well being…but like someone I once knew.

 

 

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