I cant’t do it

I missed one meeting, I don’t think it’s too important I be there, obviously. No one even sent me a text or email about it, but I still missed something. The one time I don’t check my fucking calendar. Work, boys, friends.

Everyone wants something from me, and the one time I want to break down and just cry on someone’s fucking shoulder I can’t. There is no one around. I am completely alone. Completely and utterly alone. I can’t even find the thumb drive I’m supposed to use for work.

I know I’m not completely alone.

But a lot of people are confiding in me and depending on me and holy fucking shit I’m going to break soon. It’s happening now actually, yep for sure, happening NOW.

What happened? How did it get to THIS? I was always the one breaking down and now I’m the one holding my life together with small seams of hope and fake happiness. I want my mom, I want my dad. I just want to bury my head in my pillow and scream.

I tried to kill myself not even a year and a half ago. I didn’t succeed.

I get he can be depressed and not motivated to clean his apartment. I would kill for that though, to be completely honest. I would kill to be able to reach out and ask, “hey can you help me?” and instead I feel like I am just constantly banging my head against a wall and screaming to nobody.

1 thought on “I cant’t do it”

  1. There is no help that can truly be guaranteed. When it comes and is there, it’s a blessing. The best thing to do is always prep for when it won’t. It doesn’t eliminate the pain of the loneliness, but can decrease it a lot.

    One cannot do all by oneself from a strategically point of view, but from an emotional one, one can train themselves not to need those shoulders. It doesn’t mean one shouldn’t want them. It just means one can overcome the pain of not having them when they’re not around.

    Best I can offer…

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