How Sweet XXXXX

“Briefly write about the last time you gave help to someone else: My situation is a more personal one. My sister went through a dark phase in her life dealing with depression, low self-esteem and hurting herself. She disliked me for most of our teen years but the moment we realized something was wrong I did everything I could to be her backbone. I was there for her at any moment she needed whether it was to cry, to tell her secrets to or even to yell the frustration out. It was a difficult process to get her more help outside of just me but still having her today makes it worth it all. She felt helpless and all I ever intended to do was help.

My sister wrote that. For a school assignment. She left it on the dining table. I don’t think she meant to. Sweet, yeah?

I am so upset I feel nothing. I got to that point.

She never NEVER did anything to help me. Not ONCE did she sit with me and ask me how I felt or let me cry, NOTHING. The only time she came near my pain was when I was listening to a band and a song hit me so close to the heart she walked in on me crying and told my parents.

I was alone. I had asked my parents for help to which they laughed off. The second time I really wanted to pull the trigger I told them I needed help. They didn’t know how to speak to me, no one did.

I saw a life coach who didn’t know what the fuck to say. They talked to everyone but me. My mother even googled if a child wanting to commit suicide meant it was her fault.

I’m so fucking hurt and the worst part is I’m afraid as with everything I should just let it go, ‘it’s no big deal’. But when is it? When can my feelings matter?! I’m so fed up with trying to smile and make everyone believe it’s all okay. It’s been 4 years since that terrible PHASE, as she so kindly put it, and I’m still not okay.

It’s 11pm and it always catches me when all is silent. I guess I should apologize for how I’m feeling – I’ll want to in the morning anyways.

Physically, nauseous. Emotionally, numb.

tragic.relapse

1 thought on “How Sweet XXXXX”

  1. When do your feelings matter? Always. The trouble is unless you have a bone sticking through you skin or a temperature of 104 people don’t know what to do for you or even if there’s something wrong with you. Their perceptions are skewed by what they don’t understand…your perceptions are skewed by what you can’t break out of.

    It’s a disease. Knowledge helps both you and others but there’s a learning curve and it takes time. Don’t settle for a doctor or therapist who isn’t helping. If you had a doctor who said, “You have a bad heart, your going to die, sorry.” You’d be looking for the doctor who’d say, “well, there is something we might try…”

    No matter what else is felt, said, or done – you matter.

    You are the most precious gift life has yet to open.

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