Give up already

I do not believe in the act of giving up. I like to hold onto things as long as I can, and this includes human relationships. Even if the relationships are toxic, and draining. People mean something to me, each and every person that I know. When I was a kid, I found out that even though I considered my best friend, my best friend. She did not consider me the same. It tore me up inside. My mother told me that I should just be lucky to have people in my life no matter what. I decided to not take this advice to heart.

Anyway… as I get older, I find myself giving up a lot more easily. I still hold on, but my hands are too tired from gripping. My heart is to tired from breaking. I am discovering who I am important too, and essentially, who I am not.

I have this one friend. We don’t talk often. I’m busy, and sometimes it slips my mind to try and reach out. But when we get together it’s like a year of silence doesn’t exist. She always welcomes be back with open arms, and oddly enough, is pretty solid in a crisis. When I left my ex girlfriend, she picked me up and was there every second of every day. She took me out, bought me drinks, and danced with me until I forgot what being lonely was. When I wanted to scream, she just sat there and watched. I won’t say we always got along, but in those months where I was reeling, she was a surprising source of solidity. Even now, as I reel again.

I remember we were sitting in her car, going to some place that was hours away. She asked me one question, if I was still with Jc. She sounded so nervous and when I told her I was she was honest, but not mean. She told me it was my choice, to be careful, and that she would be nice if she had to be when we were all together. She was grudgingly accepting of my situation and left it at that.

I finally asked her if I could still stay with her, and she told me I could. She seemed happy even and has been asking me for awhile. She is someone who I probably never really appreciated fully until things get hard, and she is the only one left there. Seriously, we’ve been friends for 12 years now. I met her when I was 13. She was my first real friend in the area and when everyone wanted to beat me up in 8th grade, she was the only one who hung around and told me to just ignore it. She sat next to me in choir, and when I would do math homework from college, she would hang out with me while we watched morning talk shows and ate cold ravioli.

There were some fights. We fought once in 9th grade because… I don’t remember. But we were taking a dance class at the end of the year together and ended up creating a sharp divide. I remember we were really nasty. It got to the point where we could barely look at each other. Until I ran into her at the library, and sent her a message saying, “bubbles, i am sorry,” and she immediately came over and hugged me. It was a hesitant hug, but she did it anyway and told me, it was okay.

We ended up finishing that dance class together, with a presentation. We did swing dancing, I remember that I was the lead.

We fought after we came back from a long trip together. I just snapped and we stopped talking. Eventually we started talking again and it was like it never happened. That’s what I like about it, we have had conflict, but when we are done, we just move on. Things change. She stopped teasing me about my hair, I don’t make fun of her height.

I know I am important to her, and she to me as well.

But, that is just one person. There are other friends, we lose contact. We don’t have anything in common. The past isn’t enough of an anchor to keep me aboard anymore. I used to do this all the time, write a long and dramatic post lamenting my time with someone and how “it is coming to an end,” and it was melodramatic and annoying.

Until now, when my time with someone is coming to an end. Sometimes I’m too tired of trying and putting in an effort. Maybe, I want to be important to someone. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. If someone can’t make time for me, or doesn’t really…think about me in any way or context, why would I bother sticking around in their life? I have such little energy. Especially for things like this. It makes me sad because this is happening with someone who was once my best friend. I am just starting to realize I was never theirs. It was either we were viciously fighting, or now it’s snide comments from them on my life… Or pity. I just.. I am done.

 

That is all.

5 thoughts on “Give up already”

  1. I feel your despair. I, too, have similar feelings about being important to someone. I thought that I was important to my husband…yet his mental health disorders make it impossible for him to remain consistent with any of his feelings or behaviors. It is a vicious cycle and it tears me up inside.
    I’m not clear if the friend you wrote about is the same relationship that is ending. If it is…it sounds like you guys have had a lot of wonderful times together and even though you have fought…you seem to find your way back to each other. Is there something going on with your friend…in your friend’s life that may be distracting her from your friendship?
    It also sounds like you can really talk with her about tough topics…so maybe you could open up to her as you have here. Maybe she doesn’t realize how you are feeling.
    Whatever happens…know you are important and maybe until you feel important to someone else…you can remember it is okay to be important to yourself. ❤

      1. Oh good, I’m thankful you still have her. I enjoyed reading about that friendship…thanks for sharing.
        Relationships are hard. I have found I am naturally drawn to borderline and narcissistic personalities. They tend to hook me with their charms and flip on me after a while. The whole time I am believing I found someone that will be a solid in my life. Apparently I have done this many times in my life…and only now figuring this out. I recently learned I am an empath…so narcissists seek me out because I will naturally give and give while they naturally take and take…giving only grief in return. Yet…I hang on because I am convinced they can and want to be more empathic. Boy have I been wrong. I hope this isn’t what you are experiencing. It seems your insight is quite good.
        Best wishes for you. 🤗

  2. There are the friendships we have built off mutual pain, and then there are those we have built off mutual interest and advancement. Most don’t understand the latter as much as they think. Even if they do, that doesn’t mean chronic issues don’t exist and can make telling the difference easy. Even worse, one person might not be able to keep up with the other in the advancement or not advance at all. And the one with the will and ability to advance may be unable to do so at the cost of letting the other go. So they don’t advance either even if on the threshold.

    It occurred to me recently after cutting myself off from such a friend, that they were the same type of person I’d known through so many others. I was aware of the similarities early on, but I didn’t want to believe each was as severe as the last. And to be fair, no two were precisely the same, not even in their expression of the common problem. But they were similar enough. And after the last one I came to realize… Well what I realized might seem controversial, but try to hear me out if you’re reading this at all.

    I didn’t deserve anything bad they might’ve done to me. Nobody deserves unprovoked bad actions done to them. However, I deserved the situations I got put into because I kept allowing myself to go back into those situations. I am responsible for my life and I am responsible for allowing myself to fall into those scenarios that are chronically holding me back.

    All these people I got involved with had a common issue of being cowardice and co-dependant. These are not traits I value as being something to aspire to. I saw myself as trying to help them with these issues but the result was always the same. They were willing to talk and listen but never act to be better.

    One must have standards of who to seriously put their time into with assisting them. There are people out there that really want to advance and be helped if they just had a guide helping them. But they must show results at some point. One cannot advance on claims and dreams alone. Merit must come in there somewhere.

    Yet… I was unwilling to let nice ppl with problems who regressed or just went nowhere go. So it occurred to me, “I don’t know if I’m co-dependant myself, but this patterns clearly says something negative about me.”

    Finding the right people in one’s life, especially when there is mental/emotional scarring to deal with is a massive challenge. But if one has noticed a pattern of troubling situations, then the first necessary step is naturally to learn to let go. It’s unlikely one will ever be able to move beyond and change while anchored down to another that either enables your bad pattern or feeds theirs and holds you down in the process anyway.

    Change must be the goal. Change of oneself, namely through an increase in willpower towards their own goal. It is my current belief that when one makes their life about their work instead of the people involved in it, it’ll be more naturally easier to find the right people to involve in it because they will be chosen based on the merits of how they might compliment that work and it’s meaning instead of a host of other things that might only get in the way.

    This doesn’t mean your life need only be about one thing. It just means whatever it is about should be the prime focus and those closest should share those focuses as much as possible.

    1. I am not friends with people so they’ll help me get better. I am friends with people who see me as a person, and occasionally do make time for me. As I would them. I think that this is perfectly fine and reasonable for me to do. People I stop talking too arent inherently evil. We just have started to lead different lives. There are people I’ve done the same thing too without realizing it. I will continue to seek positive friendships. It was the codependent ones that did me in before anyway.

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