I wrote this on 3/12/13
It is a rainy, cloudy day of spring. Snow is melting and I am all in black.
I don’t let people see me. I guess there are very few people who I feel comfortable with. Some people can get me to open up, and others can’t. It is not them, it is how I perceive them that affects how I act with them.
In the dark, people are more honest. Never make fun of someone’s confessions, acknowledge that that took courage.
I can only watch them struggle with a hurting heart, wondering and hoping things will change.
They tell me that I am the one that can reach them. I know I can’t. I don’t have the words to convince. I never did, and I am no angel. That was a label that put too much responsibility on my shoulders.
I was never meant to know I was to save anyone.
I learned to not talk about hurt, about pain. I learned how to not be sick. I learned to talk about what was going on with friends and not with the person who was causing the problem. I learned to “grin and bear it”. I learned to avoid problems as long as I could, I learned how to not communicate.
Someone said, “We’re all kids in a way. We all doubt ourselves and wonder what the hell we’re doing in this grown-up world.”
We’re all on a journey to change ourselves.
No one is perfect.
I never looked for someone to save me, but I think I always knew I would have to save myself. The environment I grew up in was too practical and independent for romance and riding off into the sunset.
But they never told me I didn’t have to be alone.
I just nod and keep what I am thinking to myself. That is what I learned. ‘Don’t rock the boat, don’t try to change people’s opinions (because they never change them anyway).’
But that is the point. None of us are perfect. All parents fall short, but it is the kid’s choice whether to be like them, or grow from their parent’s mistakes.
Post Script on 4/2/18: I know [Client’s Name, Redacted] is going to commit suicide when they leave us, they too know they are an angel and it is proving to be too much. I see their pain, crystallized within, no one can reach them. We aren’t meant to know that we are to save anyone, it places too much responsibility on one human being. And after all, what if we fail?