I’m transcribing one of my old journals and I thought of something I hadn’t really put to words recently.
I mention C in the journal which brings back a memory of them saying that you liked me because of how much you like and comment on my stuff online (they could only see fb, when you had one) and I remember thinking in my head . . . no, that’s not quite right. You commented on everyone’s posts that much, you always put in the effort with everyone. No one was singled out. Everyone mattered. Everyone was equal. The only time you didn’t comment was when you didn’t know what to say, and even then, you’d usually leave a joke or a one liner just to show that someone had seen it and had stopped by.
Something that bothered me about the R and K situation was that he didn’t care about her . . . but one thing that has low-level bothered me about R and I’s interactions since the beginning to now is that it is MUCH different. Before, we would go whole days without talking sometimes, or when we did text, it wasn’t a lot. Even as recently as this summer, I knew how little he actually responded to my messages meant something . . . because with him, you can measure his interest with how much he engages with you in text or etc. That bothers me . . . Now, there isn’t a day that goes by without some sort of contact, and sometimes there’s whole conversations held via text. I know that once he or I finds someone, that will drop off again . . . and knowing that someday, someone else will be getting those texts and I won’t hear from him much . . . knowing that someday, I won’t matter as much. Someday, I will not be equal.
I never knew how much I trusted you until I now know someone who I don’t have that kind of trust with. I knew that you wouldn’t share my secrets, I knew that you would treat me like you treat everyone else. And you always stood for liberty.
With you, you showing that interest wasn’t because we were romantically involved (at that time, we weren’t), that was you being you. And there was something comforting seeing you try with others, seeing you care about others.
He doesn’t care. He also has been hurt, as others have, and I know that his distrust comes from that. He hasn’t healed to the level you have. Innocent until proven guilty, give people the benefit of the doubt. He still lashes out because of pain caused by others. He sought revenge this summer. It still bothers me how he thought that was okay.
Because of you, I follow a different code. I want a world where it is not an eye for an eye, I want a world where people move past the pain and don’t perpetuate the cycle. I told him that if he ever does anything like that ever again, I will leave. He said, “I won’t treat anyone like that unless they deserve it.” And I know that someday he will come to a crossroads and if he chooses the wrong one, I will have to leave. Second chances, people deserve a chance to change. But if they don’t understand why they should change . . . You can’t force them . . . You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.
I want to stand up for a world where pain isn’t something to pass along to someone else. You taught me well. Part of me still sometimes wishes we could talk. But the other part of me realizes that this part, I have to walk alone. I have to fix myself. I have to create this world we talked about so much.
I don’t know if I have the strength to yet, but I am hoping to take some steps towards it soon.