mind

k-

my heart aches every day i wake up and i attempt to distract myself with medication, meditation, walks in nature, the sun and food, my puppy and blankets. Its so heavy in my chest and I cant get it out. Why do i feel like this every day no matter what; alone, with my family, friends or at work, i still feel this pain in my chest and i want to break free. I wish i could stop wishing for a better time, I preach to others to embrace the moment and feel all that is now. But i am my worst critic and constantly shadow my mind with doubts and worry of my future, my career, my inability to motivate myself to work the way others work; 9-5 getting up early, socialising, smiling and laughing, sharing stories and connections with work mates and companions, i sit alone with my thoughts and motivational videos trying to pursue a career in success; no real definition, no real goal or action but the idea of something better, something that I am not. Why do i look down upon where i am standing now, its because i don’t move forward and just mope about what could be, but never truly act. I have so many goals, and ideas and visions for my future,  but i remain stagnant where I stand, wishing i could be better than i am. With those who are better than i am, living every day to the fullest, trying, fighting and succeeding in their dreams. I know we cannot compare ourselves to others and every journey is different, but i really feel like i am moving no where, i just feel sorry for myself and i cant get out.. i know i should be studying for this exam; but nothing, no will in my body can allow me to memorise these words that will be lost as soon as the book is shut. I am done. I want to love my journey, where i have come from, where i am today. Who i have inspired and brought joy and laughter to, but it is not enough. What do i have to show for? I want more, i want to be amazing, known for my wisdom and intelligence, captivating every sacred moment and making people more aware of this existence. But where do i begin? How do i make this impact i know i am capable of making? What is my inspiration, what is my talent? how do i share myself with the world? I want people to be in awe of what I can create and how i am able to offer a new perspective on what is.

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