2019

It’s been a while, as all writers must say. Sad to say, I lost my way, again. I fell in love with someone that I should have never laid eyes on. Really at this point the only person that I could really blame is myself. I’m tired of the depression. I’m tired of the anxiety and feeling so alone. Feeling like nobody understands or knows what’s really going on with me. So when he came along I was happy again. He made me feel loved and appreciated. He did these small things that meant the most to me. His eyes and his lips and his voice it’s all so perfect. Why did I fall in love with him? I guess I just really needed someone to save me from myself. He’s everything. He’s the best even when he hurts me, even when he ignores me, and even when he doesn’t have time for me. I love him, even when he wont talk to me and even when he lies to me. Even when he’s distant and when he fades away, I still care. How can I be so dumb you might ask? I guess I just want to hold on to something that gives me hope that the next day I wont wake up hating myself. Hope… that the next day things will be better. I have everything I could ever ask for, and I thank God for that… but I can’t change who I am. I struggle with depression and anxiety and I’m not myself most of the time. And when I am with him and when I talk to him it all goes away. I know at one point I meant something to him, even if he can’t find a way to set me free, I know his feelings have changed. I know his thoughts are different than mine, I know maybe something changed and he wants to walk away. We are all so silly. We all tell eachother that we will be there for eachother forever only to leave in the end and hurt one another, and abandon one another. But my feelings are real, and when I told him I would never replace him or abandon him, I really meant it. Who knows where life will take me, I only hope God can forgive me as well as everyone else for selfishly loving a person that isn’t mine to love. It’s too late. I’m attached. I’m in love. I’m blind and I’m torn. I know he will leave, they all do. It just hurts so badly to even think of letting go. I didn’t think it would happen so soon but it did. I can feel it. Maybe it’s the anxiety talking but I know him and I know something is wrong and I know it’s bad. Maybe I’m too much for him. Too complicated or too crazy. Too clingy or too needy. Too much of a problem. At least I know at one point, he needed me and I was there. At one point, he needed someone to remind him what love is and what it’s like to be young and free, and I was there. When he needed someone to listen and care for him with no judgement, I was there. I was always there, since day 1. He was also there for me every single day since we met, but now he’s fading away like everyone else does and I’m scared. I’m scared of a broken heart because I’m already such a huge mess. What am I going to do when he completely fades away? What am I going to do when I see him out and about or at our local grocery store and can’t give him an “I love you” look? What am I going to do when I find my loneliness and pain too much for me to handle? What am I going to do when I miss him and can’t tell him. What am I going to do when someone talks about him or says something that will just destroy me? What am I going to do when it’s 4 am and I can’t stop thinking of him and all of the cute and romantic things he would do? What am I going to do when my phone lights up but it’s not him calling or texting? What am I going to do when I have to put a smile on my face and pretend that I don’t think of him 24/7? What am I going to do when I can’t hide my pain? What am I going to do when it hurts too much and I have nobody to tell. What am I going to do when the guilt rushes in to remind me I had a good man that I pushed away because of my insecurities and needy ways? I’m in a deep one here. So many questions. So many memories. So many different thoughts every single day and so many broken hearts I can’t seem to remember how I have made it this far. I love him. I really do. I only want what’s best for him and only he knows what that is. I feel like I’m not good enough for him. I feel like he was amazing and I didn’t know how to appreciate him because my insecurities made me push him away. What have I done? Who have I become? Am I losing my mind? Or am I just hopelessly in love….

3 thoughts on “2019”

  1. A conscious if unspoken decision was made before the fade. The thing is, the person who let’s go first has the luxury of making up their mind as to when it feels right for them to go. The person left hanging still has to go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – and that often on their own. It sounds kinda like you’re bargaining with yourself right now. It’s never easy going through withdrawal from your favorite drug.

    Good luck.

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